So everyone fuckin hate me now? What the hell. What the fuck did I do? Nothing. But have it your way. After the party that's it. I'm done. I'm not talking to anyone of you mother fuckers. The only reason I'm still letting the party happen is because booze were already bought. But after that, we're all done. My mom was right. It's time for the to make a whole new group of friends. You all just make me feel like shit and hate me anyways. Happy Birthday bitches. Getting rid of me is your present.

Anybody who knows me at least a tiny bit knows that I love love LOVE "All of This" by Blink 182 featuring Robert Smith of The Cure. Is it the beautiful lyrics? Is it Robert Smith's intoxicating voice? Is it Tom's voice that makes me melt? I don't know, but I do know I finally get the whole song. I always understood that he loved someone who he couldn't have, some who didn't love him back perhaps, someone who just want to be friends maybe. I more than got that, I understood it cause it's happened to me a few times more than I care to admit. But I never understood, how can he want to be used by this Holly. I mean, how can anyone want to be used by anyone. 'That's the last thing that I could ever want to happen to me.' But thanks to Chris, my boss, I get it. I want to be used too! Wow. Use me. Is that weird?

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I wait for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We go where we know

With all of this I feel now
Everything inside of my heart
It all just seems to be how
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all
Again I wait for this to pull apart
To break me time in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me, Holly
Come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all
I'm always wanting you
Yeah I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Oh again I wait for this
To fill the hole
To shake the sky in two
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

WOULD YOU?
put an [x] in all that apply
[ ] hang out with me?
[ ] go see a movie with me?
[ ] make a move on me during that movie?
[ ] hug me?
[ ] hug me a lot?
[ ] kiss me?
[ ] put your hand on my butt?
[ ] let me put my hand on your butt?
[ ] be alone in a room with me?
[ ] go on a date with me?
[ ] get me drunk?
[ ] take me to your place?
[ ] sleep with me? (no sex)
[ ] cuddle with me?
[ ] have sex with me?
[ ] play strip poker with me?
[ ] date me?
[ ] ask me out?
[ ] let me kiss you?
[ ] be my gf/bf?
[ ] be there for me?
[ ] bring me around your friends?
[ ] love me?
[ ] enjoy being with me?
[ ] re-post this for me to answer your questions

I'm tired of having to defend myself over and over, so I'm gonna do this one last time. Yes, I've been stoned 5 nights in a row this week. Yes, tonight will be the first night I will not be getting stoned in five nights. Yes, I can get through this night without being stoned.

Why did I get stoned five nights in a row? Well, first of all fuck you if you're thinking that, because it's my life. Secondly, because I can. I mean, that's not the only reason of course. Wednesday, I was hanging out with a bunch of stoners; thursday, sarah and i decided to smoke because we never had together; friday, deb felt left out, so i smoked with her; saturday, me and sarah decided that we had so much fun thursday that we'd do it again; and sunday, me and renee were bored and i had some left.

Every night with the exception of last night I had no worries. I wasn't thinking about the things that ususally keep me up at night, that make me feel as if I need a cigarette, that make me so upset that I feel like crying myself to sleep. If I can get a few hours in one day without thinking about that shit that makes me so crazy I want to jump off a bridge, then I'm gonna go for it. If only you knew what it's like to feel, everyday, like you're going insane, all these thoughts flying at you, all these temptations to do things that aren't koescher, you'd be begging for one moment where you're not thinking about anything except how relaxed and for once happy you are, even if it is just a false happiness. Last night is the only night I wish I hadn't got stoned though, cause I was paranoid as fuck. And that happens I guess, it's a risk one takes, so I'm told. But, if 4 out of 5 nights I was calm and happy, then I'll take it.

Now, this does not mean that I will be getting stoned every week like this. In fact, just to prove to one fucker that I can, I'm gonna go a month without trying to get stoned. And to the other fuckers who threatened our friendship because they don't want to be friends with a pot-head, fuck you. I don't need you anyway.

Today was my first day at deneweths nursery. It was cool I guess. I came to the conclussion that I only have 4 real friends, 3 of which I hardly see and talk to as much as I used to and one I see and talk to too much. I just saw this person yesterday, and I want to hang out with them again cause I'm SO EFFIN BORED!! ARGH!!! Someone call my house. 586-997-1215. Please!

am i really here? hmmmm. idk. i feel like everything is muffled. is that normal?

am i dead and no one noticed? good question sarah. sarah is so cute. my arm hurts and itches. my eyes are not blue, they're green. i dont want to go to school tomorrow. 1.2.3.4.5.. . .6?

read xsaryx's lj. . . tis humerous. yippykayayayeay



hiyah!

i can't stop laughing.

i feel like someone took out my heart and put a porcupine in there instead.

Tianna: "You pucking fervert."

PREVERTED! with a capitol P; INSERT IT! inside of me.

"Bobby, get up. Get up. It's, like, 3:00. Let's get something to eat. . . Oh, fuck. God. Fuckin' poser. ONLY POSERS DIE, YOU FUCKIN IDIOT!! Now what am I gonna do for a friend?! You're my only friend! Please wake up now! Please! I'm sorry! Oh, fuck. Oh, man. Oh, jeez. Oh, my God. I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready!" And we put him under the ground. The official cause of death? Overdose from Percodan. That's what John's girlfriend gave him for his headache. That, mixed with the booze, did him in. Heroin Bob, the guy who never did any drug in his life outside of beer, died from a narcotic overdose. And that was it. He fell and I went on.

I got third holes done in my ears. So, to recap everyone, I have size 2 gauged ears, in my right ear I have two other holes, and in my left ear I have two other holes and a cartilage piercing. Then, I have my navel pierced. Yay, piercings. Soon, I will be able to say, "I have a tattoo" or "I have my tongue pierced." w00t

er?


today's quote, cause I'm a loser. . .:

Frodo: I can't do this Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.
-Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee "Lord of the Rings: Two Towers"

Is it weird that everytime I get depressed or pissed off, the more I want to pierce my tongue and get a tattoo. Like, seriously.

My life has been dramatically shitty since June 2004. Almost a year ago since my life turned into the worst it's ever been. I lost a few really good friends that I miss a hell of a lot. One of which I considered to be my best friend. I miss him SO much it hurts really bad. He was always there for me. During the few short months I had with him, my insecurities went completely away, and I felt beautiful. But ever since he left me, ever since we went on our seperate ways, I have never felt more hideous, more undesirable. Sure, he's been replaced twice over, but I will never ever stop missing him. Ever since we stopped talking, I've wanted nothing more than to be friends with him again. To just talk with him once more, and pretend like what happened never did. That's all I want Adam. To just be friends again, nothing more. To pick up where we left off, and act like June never happened. I know we'll never be as close as we once were, you have had your changes, I my own. Kevin came into my life, you have made your own new friends, I'm sure, but can't we just be friends again?

41 DAYS 4 HOURS AND 8 MINUTES TILL THE MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE CONCERT!!! FUCK YEAH!! God I love my phone.



Today's two quotes:

"Before this war is over, I will kill you." Benjamin "The Ghost" Martin; "The Patriot"

"My sons were better men." Benjamin Martin "The Patriot"

Every time I update my lj, I will leave a favourite quote from a favourite movie, or two. Here's the two for today:

"I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee. And I don't mean to. I don't mean to."- Samwise Gamgee Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."- Galadriel Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

Hello, Hello. My names Terry and I'm a law abider
There's nothing I like more than getting fired up on beer
And when the weekends here I to exercise my right to get paralytic and fight
Good bloke fairly
But I get well leery when geezers look at me funny
Bounce 'em round like bunnies
I'm likely to cause mischief
Good clean grief you must believe and I ain't no thief.
Law abiding and all, all legal.
And who cares about my liver when it feels good
Wwhat you need is some real manhood.
Rasher Rasher Barney and Kasha putting peoples backs up.
Public disorder, I'll give you public disorder.
I down eight pints and run all over the place
Spit in the face of an officer
See if that bothers you cause I never broke a law in my life
Someday I'm gonna settle down with a wife
Come on lads lets have another fight

Eh hello. My names Tim and I'm a criminal,
In the eyes of society I need to be in jail
For the choice of herbs I inhale.
This ain't no wholesale operation
Just a few eighths and some Playstations my's vocation
I pose a threat to the nation
And down the station the police hold no patients
Let's talk space and time
I like to get deep sometimes and think about Einstein
And Carl Young And old Kung Fu movies I like to see
Pass the hydrator please
Yeah I'm floating on thin air.
Going to Amsterdam in the New Year - top gear there
Cause I taker pride in my hobby
Home made bongs using my engineering degree
Dear Leaders, please legalise weed for these reasons.

Like I was saying to him.
I told him: 'Top with me and you won't leave.'
So I smacked him in the head and downed another Carling
Bada Bada Bing for the lad's night.
Mad fight, his face's a sad sight.
Vodka and Snake Bite.
Going on like a right geez, he's a twat,
Shouldn't have looked at me like that.
Anyway I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along I'd be on the front line with em.
Can't stand crime either them hooligans on heroin.
Drugs and criminals those thugs on the penny coloured will be the downfall of society
I've got all the anger pent up inside of me.

You know I don't see why I should be the criminal
How can something with no recorded fatalities be illegal
And how many deaths are there per year from alcohol
I just completed Gran Tourismo on the hardest setting
We pose no threat on my settee
Ooh the pizza's here will someone let him in please
'We didn't order chicken, Not a problem we'll pick it out
I doubt they meant to mess us about
After all we're all adults not louts.'
As I was saying, we're friendly peaceful people
We're not the ones out there causing trouble.
We just sit in this hazy bubble with our quarters
Discussing how beautiful Gail Porter is.
MTV, BBC 2, Channel 4 is on until six in the morning.
Then at six in the morning the sun dawns and it's my bedtime.

Causing trouble, your stinking rabble
Boys saying I'm the lad who's spoiling it
You're on drugs it really bugs me when people try and tell me I'm a thug
Just for getting drunk
I like getting drunk
Cause I'm an upstanding citizen
If a war came along I'd be on the front line with em.

Now Terry you're repeating yourself
But that's okay drunk people can't help that.
A chemical reaction inside your brain causes you to forget what you're saying.

What. I know exactly what I'm saying
I'm perfectly sane
You stinking student lameo
Go get a job and stop robbing us of our taxes.

Err, well actually according to research
Government funding for further education pales in insignificance
When compared to how much they spend on repairing
Leery drunk people at the weekend
In casualty wards all over the land.

Why you cheeky little swine come here
I'm gonna batter you. Come here.

As of now, there are 132 days, 7 hours, and 35 minutes until Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince comes to bookshelves everywhere.

18 days, 7 hours, 34 minutes until my family goes to Florida. Party. Shhhh!

Finding Neverland melts my heart. It makes my heart weep for sorrow, happiness, and beauty. It makes me happy, reminding me of the beautiful things in this world:

bears, childhood fun, circuses, death (in it's own way it's beautiful, think about it), dogs, family, faeries (I can believe, can't I?), flying (again), happiness, happy little boys and girls, Kate Winslet, Johnny Depp, kites, marriage, mermaids (and again), parks, parents, and success in doing what you love to do.